Deep-press-on

The weight is heavy, time with God forsaken, replaced with sleep that never quenches the exhaustion. The weight of the world? The weight left displaced and dealt with turns distraught and last to deep sadness.This damm, (forgive me) Fibromyalsia! I could blame the small house I can't even manage to keep up, or the homeschooling books we gotta keep on reading and learning and leave no time for mental relaxation. I could blame the Taekwondo instructor I just signed a two year contract with, Whom seems to think I am making a pansy out of my son by teaching him at home. He hasn't a clue how hard it is to teach his own children and witness their struggles first hand. I could keep blaming for hours and tears might fall. Maybe. That is the only reason for entertaining such thoughts... isn't it? To let the Dam of stress being built up on the shoulders to finally break and flood away from us,  and maybe, just maybe stay off you for a few days or so.

I turned off my alarm again this morning. 5:30am, My hour and a half date with my Jesus was again slept away! Why is it when we need him most we stand him up and don't return his calls? Or is it just me? Is it the why's stacking up and the defeats of yesterday out weighing the victories that shrink my God, making his worth, less in my eyes and life?

I sat on the couch this morning. I would have knelt in awed thanksgiving, I should have knelt and let down my sorrow and let him hold me and lift my chin and tell me he's got it all and not to stress anymore. But I did not. I sat on the couch, Apologizing an empty apology, " Sorry I did not wake up again.." Chin to my chest in shame, I forget there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  What is it that the Lords says.... "I desire mercy not sacrifice." The Lord did not come to steal, kill and destroy but rather to give life, and for us to live it in his abundance. The abundance of peace, grace, joy? Where is it I pleaded?

Awe but following after my beloved Christ was never promised to be easy. It is like a job well done, takes time and work and blisters, but the finished product brings bubbles of unpop-able joy floating up in side us. All of Jesus's disciples, may I say dearly beloved friends, were persecuted to death. I desire to be one of these disciples. I love him and want to love him more. My life does not belong to myself, it is his. I asked him, sitting there "Is this the persecution I get for following you? I thought it would come in the form of people not bad health I can't seem to conquer.  The question: Would it be any easier if it came from people?  I know He is right. I am trying to break my people pleasing tendency. But then why would it matter what a Taekwondo instructor thinks of me? I know I am doing the will of God and that is Victory enough! God did not say yes to my question mind you. Just asked another question:) So like him:) 

But he did not stop there. No! "A man can only ever be as big as his God." That did not come from my mind. Truth? A man can only ever be as big as his God? "mmm... God I am not reaching for a God title, I know I can never be..."He stopped me in my train of thoughts. "How big am I to you?"

The truth hurts. Can I still do all things because of him who is inside of me?  Why had I allowed my God to shrink in the reality of my mind again. Truth: My God is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow! Truth : My God is the Alpha the Omega! Truth: My God is Victorious over all things, over all circumstances, over all death, over all pain and suffering. My God has already won the battle he is just waiting for his troops to join his side of the fight so he can take us all back home away from the battle field once and for all. So since I am claimed his, can't I just give up, stop fighting? No! I fight all the more and try and reach the wounded in time and bring them to their healer. My life is not about me anymore. My life is WON! I am victorious in Him! I am loved, sang over, cherished... My everyday trials I can still give to him because this is how big he is. Listen! Hear!
 Ephesians 4:10
He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.

Hebrews 1: 1-3 In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe. The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven.

Hebrews 11:3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

 The universe itself is immeasurable. We know our small galaxy is smaller than an ant size portion of it.  How big is God to me? Not big enough. Not as big as he really, truly is! He is so great and so wide and so deep. He is enough, oh so very enough. He has given me my family, my husband and children, my friends ...so many loved ones. I am so very well cared for! I thank him for my reality check this morning. You see, one can only be as big as their God. Hope is in the Lord. Some people have self delusion gods that drive them to being successful millionaires. My God is not limited to my mind and who I make him out to be. My God is the creator of the universe. The God who made you and who made me! The God whose heart holds enough love to hold every single one of us, as a father holds his first born in his hands, tight, warm, swearing he will never let go.

There is Victory to be had in everyday! I fail and so do you. But we are not failures! We are His dearly beloved and we can rest assured his blood is enough to cover all inequities, ours and those we know. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus! His Love covers over all sin, plight, pain, stress. He overcame the world and through him we are promised..so can we!

Lord take my stress that loads me down and pounds me deeper down, pressing on me, ever pressing. Lord Take my pain and help me find joy each day knowing you are here with me, helping me through every difficult time or struggle, every head ache. I kneel in awe and splendor, I lay my head in your lap and let you caress my hair from my face and dry my tears. Whether they make it our my eyes or not, you reach into my inner most being and mop up the mess with in me. Thank You Beloved Father. Thank You! Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for never leaving me nor forsaking me as I have so many times forsaken you. Forgive me for entertaining thoughts of slanderous, selfish, lies about who I am and what you have for me! I praise you! I worship your Your name and claim power and victory in it!

Amen