Friday, September 3, 2010

Getting Personal

It has occurred to me, for some reason unknown, I write little about who I am really.  Not that my blog has been lying in anyway to you all this time. What I mean is I have real struggles and life has a way of messing with me just like it messes with everyone else. The last thing I want is for someone reading my blog to think wow this person has it all together..(you probably think the opposite) but just to be completely transparent, I do not have it all together. God does not give words such as " get up, and stop falling down on purpose" to those who have no problems walking the straight and narrow. Backing up a  bit, recently I learned a bit about defining God's voice; making sure what I hear, and say is from him, is truly from him.

Hear the list: what is said brings peace, is backed by scripture, is backed by the wisdom of wise counsel (thanks all you awesome people,) It is usually repetitive, It is short and to the point, Last and most important if it is God's word you hear in your head speaking to you the words will either help you love others more, your self more, help you love God more, or help you see and know his love for you more completely.

Going forward now, you might be asking how can my word from God be any of those things? It is backed by scripture. " I can do all things through Christ Jesus whom gives me strength." Phil. 4:13 "Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you whereever you go." Josh1:9 And the reason he wants me to get up is to be with him my loving father. He wants to fill me with what I need to live life fully, full of joy, peace, and purpose.

I doubted it first, because it was only one word "Rise" and I happen to be on my knees and thinking "ouch" right before pleading with God to speak to me. So he spoke more clearly in my mind erasing my doubt.  Still quite short and very to the point.

Life has been getting me down lately, quite literally in fact. For months/years now my bed has been my quick sand sinking me deeper. The lie I keep believing is sleep is my only peace from the pain.  I am 32 years old and feel like I must be celebrating my 80th b-day soon. I know that God has quite the plan for me and my life is no where near over. But the ache in my every part of my body tells me other wise. I have fibromyalgia. I hate the feel sorry for me, boohoo poor me, so don't even go there. My point is, this being something I struggle with, it tries to define who I am. It is not who I am. It is not what I have either. I have Jesus. Who I am is HIS!  I know my Daddy God desires the time he needs with me to keep me moving forward in the direction he has planned and purposed my life. I know he has been waking me up in the morning, not because he wants to pester me and cause me to have lack of sleep. The last straw, you might have thought, would have been the day I heard an audible voice. A man calling my name out loud. Beckoning me. Like Samuel, the little guy that heard God calling him in the bible, I looked around to see who could have woken me up. My son had not made a peep, my husband was snoring by my side...no it was GOD! I knew he wanted me to wake up and have time with him in his word and in prayer. I prayed a bit while laying back down in my comfy bed, ... rolled over and went back to sleep. You would have thought He'd have given up. But he did not. I, that day, on my knees praying for a word... He spoke to me. It was just what I needed to hear. Get up! Stop falling down on purpose. When I get too much sleep and not enough God to start my day I might as well stay in bed all day. The day... the beautiful day the lord made for me... goes all wrong, manned by my own strength, my temper fails, my tears fall now because their is mental, and spiritual pain as well as the physical. Many times I find myself back in bed at noon to take a nap...more sleep. Now I homeschool my kids. I know many of you think I am crazy. But now you know my napping can't last long. obviously I got language arts to teach and science to let explode my kitchen.  But again doing what I know I am suppose to brings no joy because of my state of mind. I feel helpless, dragging my feet on empty.

Those words shook me and I saw myself like a child throwing a fit on the floor ( bed) every day saying " God no I don't want to get up. No I want to sleep. Sleep is what I need don't you know that! No what I need is God every step of the way. I know God gives me times to rest. But right now I need to learn to trust in him. I need to learn that this plight/sickness I live with is not some punishment he has planned for me to torture me. It is something he wants to help me get through if only I will let him.

All this said now you know the why behind my "BOOT CAMP" This is day 5 of boot camp. My spiritual regime, to get me back on track, on schedule, and filled with the proper nutrients to fuel my day... Which is more and more and more of my Jesus.

Yesterday was hard.... I fell again. I did wake up and 5:30am. I had time with God and continued to pray all day. But yesterday the pain was worse, and on top of it, I got a cold. My day got more rest then my boot camp drill Sargent in my mind would agree with. To help my fibromyalgia, I am in need of an hour of cardio everyday. I have to exercise. Yesterday, that part of the day got thrown aside ...yes, on purpose. I know it would have made me feel better. But resting got the better of me. Yes, I took a nap. Did God frown?.. Part of me thinks he should have. But then I remember Psalm 23 "The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows, he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength."

I am walking through this with God at my side. He is giving me peace, joy, and drying my tears from the pain.God is so very good.. He truly is. Thanks be to God for all he has done and is doing in me.

I Pray that what ever you are going through, whether it is pain, sickness, financial hardship, depression, stress... Whatever it is I pray you can learn to walk through it with God at your side. Please don't wait and side step your Lord who is waiting to help you through what ever it is. We need our Jesus. We need our hope we find in the Lord in all we are, do, and say , to be all we are meant to be!

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